I shall write you off ~

Wild China.  Natural China.  Beautiful China.  Exotic China.  What the fuck is it about China that seems so goddamned inviting to pissant chuds?  I've almost always got the theme song to Pokemon in my head "to catch them is my real test / to train them is my cause..."

1. The Japanophile:  This cool specimen comes to China.  China is in Asia.  So is Japan.  So obviously there's some relevance to having spent a semester and a half in learning Japanese... right?  And even if you don't have the slightest inkling of an understanding of Chinese culture... it doesn't matter as your extensive knowledge of Japanese customs will have you feeling right at home!  Are you a fucking retard? China =/= Japan.  It's that fucking simple.  Don't be so damn naive.
2. The Thief:  This specimen has been adversely affected by all of the staring.  They begin to look at themselves as some kind of god--above the practical laws of common decency.  They see something they like... or even something they don't like, and they decide to steal it.  Never mind that you possibly just deprived a small, impoverished family of a few meals that week.  You're a majestic foreigner.  You deserve to have the things that catch your eye.  Fuck you.
3. The Informer:  This specimen seeks nothing but culture-shock-value.  They like to see jaws drop in disbelief.  They may describe some illusive monster roaming the untamed wilderness that is New York City in search of ducks to devour.  Or they may tell the Chinese that "scene girls" are fat slobs and worthy of being despised by all.  Why would you force your opinions on people who are completely ignorant of what you're talking about (scene girls)?  Why would you introduce your own personal mythology as tried and true fact (duck eating monster)?  Are you bored?  Or are you just that much of an unadulterated cunt?
4. The Jester:  This specimen has absolutely no respect for cultural differences.  Even if you don't know that you're in a conservative culture where touching the opposite sex casually is frowned upon, what on this fucking pearl of an Earth would ever possess you to hop on a bus and sandwich yourself between two females, throwing your arms around their shoulders?  Did you do that in your home country?  I sincerely fucking doubt it.  Why do you have to be such a raging douchebag of a guest?
5. The Magician:  This specimen is a religious whack-a-doodle.  Need I say more?  Okay...  The Ark of the Covenant, the Tablets of Mormononia, the Cup of Christ, the Spear of Longinus...  These are not things of fact.  If you can sit across from someone and assure them that these creations are not mere works of fiction, while doing so with a straight face, then I think one of those nice white jackets is in order.  You know the one I'm talking about?  It's got all those straps on it...  Keeps you from doing harm to yourself...  Not getting it?  You're a fucking psychopath!  You need serious mental help!
6. The Yawn:  This specimen has let the job get to his head.  He takes himself extremely seriously.  If it's anything social, he doesn't get it.  It's not because he's got an additional chromosome or anything.  It's because he's elevated himself so far above his de facto status that he's completely lost touch with reality.  He'll likely bore you to death with his adventures in waiting at the dentist office, or he'll launch into a three part epic tragedy in which he attempts to give you directions to the shop just across the street.
7. The Knife:  This specimen has very strong opinions.  If this foreigner finds out that you enjoy going for a massage, they'll instantly conclude that you're seeking out a handy in the ramshackle establishment down the street.  Even if you explain that you're just going for a foot rub... no joke, they don't listen to reason.  They still say it's inappropriate, based on the notion that the conservative culture is hyper-conservative.  They'll say that any contact is inappropriate.  They'll pass judgment on you and tell you not to continue the conversation.  They very maturely close the dialog with you.  The Knife almost HAS to be a Christian.  After you've respectfully told them to fuck off and die, you'll soon hear that the Knife has invited himself to join one of your friends for a massage.  There it is... stabbed in the back.  Fuck you knife.  Fuck you... and your little dog, too.

If anyone knows why these people are drawn to Exotic China, I would love to know the reason.  Dear fucking god... someone tell me why.