Blogging Advice: Carol

When you hit the wall, there's always a way to get back on track.  Advice is endless.  A quick search yields 41 million results for "Blogging Topics".

Meet Caren

Caren's name and face have been changed to protect the retarded.  In fact, no... this "Caren" doesn't even exist.  Take it as a purely hypothetical individual.  This hypothetical Caren markets herself as a freelance writer, which manages to sound even more painfully pathetic than Worm-Mart Door Greeter.  This is the occupation that people choose when they're too lazy to do anything else.  To maintain their delusions, they eventually have to pump out some load of utter bullshit.  It's all part of the facade.  It takes a special genius retard to get paid for something they pretend to do.

Here's some of Caren's priceless advice.

• #32:  Start a Diary:  Of course!  What better way to accomplish an effective online diary blog, than to bust out a trusty 97 cent College Ruled notebook and go to town?  The logic behind this is absolutely flawless.  She deserves a parade dedicated to her blinding awesomeness.  And while we're at it, we can have people throwing candy.  And instead of candy, they can throw knives.  And instead of throwing them at bystanders, they can throw them at Caren's fat ass.
• #67:  Be Humourous:  I can only assume that Caren often needs this advice herself, and I imagine she has a tendency to interrupt conversations in order to spread the good word of being humourous.  She probably gets a real ego boost when people laugh around her, but she's blissfully ignorant about one minor detail.  They're not laughing with her.  Fat-asses are always the butts of jokes.  And judging by her hypothetical picture, she's got more than her share of ass.
• #13:  Discern the Future:  In fact, this may be possible for a cosmic hambeast, but I lack the decided psychic endowment necessary for this feat.  Of course, what she's getting at is that we should make pointless theoretical statements concerning the affairs of tomorrow.  Try this on for size, cupcake:  you're going to inhale a double order of turducken and choke on the side order of fries.  Amidoinitright?
• #33:  Draw from Unrelated Experience:  Caren encourages delving deep into your vices.  She believes that doing so can give you new insights into completely irrelevant professional pursuits.  Caren, the freelance writer, learned mechanical engineering from binging on pork rinds.  I suppose then that I can claim to have mastered psycho-analytics from watching pornography.  Even then, that probably holds more weight than Caren's claim.  Only metaphorically of course.  Nothing can truly outweigh Caren.
• #06:  React:  The Kraken wants you to post your reactions to other posts.  It's not bad advice, in my opinion; however, I think she would be less than enthused about my reaction to her.  She would probably call it lible and defamation.  Very hippo-critical, Caren, you dirty slut.

That concludes my reaction to Cupcake-Caren.  If you've learned anything, maybe it's that you can't bullshit a bullshitter.  Try again next time, you freelance dildo.