Begat

In the beginning, God rubbed his tummy and patted his head.  Then God said, "Gimme a light."  And he smoked it.  And it was good.

Well, now.  Apparently the Evangelicals are claiming that indeed there never really were any Adams or Eves created in a garden of perfect, naked perversion.  They have come to this conclusion by looking at evidence produced through 20 years of examining the human genome.  It took them twenty years of science to say to themselves...  "Now wait a minute...  This sounds like a crock of horseshit to me."

This evidence is not enough for some in the Christian movement, though.  The fundamentalists, presumably headed up by the Palin family and their inbred cousins the Phelps, are sticking to their Biblical literalism.

I have one major problem with Biblical literalists.  They purport to follow the divine scrawlings to the very letter, but I'm reasonably assured that they're full of their own shit flavored shit.  In the Bible, it is said that it is better to cum into the twat of a hooker than to spill any love gunk on the soil.  Instead of masturbating, we should all be fucking whores.  I mean "fucking whores" in the sense that you're cramming them with your trojan horse donkey meat; I don't mean "fucking whores" in the sense that "fucking" can be used as an intensifying adjective.  Verbs, children.  Not adjectives.  Fuck your whores.  Fuck em good.

For some reason--I could be wrong--I don't think these literalists are cruising the street corners at dusk.  No, I think they're getting stiffies while watching the Home Shopping Network.  Bonus points if you can rub one out before anyone says "but if you call now...

The Cost of Good Health

If you don't know why I needed to go to the hospital, then you should maybe discover the reason instead of forming your own conclusions.  Having an informed opinion is first on the list of things to do in order to avoid being a raging douchebag.

Let me preface the content of this post by first saying that I am damn proud to be an American.  There's nothing I hate more than government funded healthcare systems (England), gay marriage (Canada), next to free college education (France), or a myriad party political structure (Germany).  Actually, with respect to a few of those, these countries are all really similar to each other (when compared to amber waves of grain), and that's why I detest them with all of my star spangled glory.

This is my Jesus Christ.  He went muddin' for my indiscretions.

Say for instance that these guys know everything about x rays, and that these guys know everything about MRI's.  Things like this would most likely be free (or dirty, filthy cheap) in a place like Francanadengland, but America isn't a place of glitter and flowers and dreams.  Those things are for girls, and America is most certainly not girly.

Apparently the average x ray of a knee is about US$400.  What goes into the price of this?  Well, the price doesn't include the consultation or the examination... because that would be in the doctor's fee in the final bill.  This is just the technical aspect of the operation, I suppose.  So your money is going to support the fancy equipment--and rightfully so!

I don't know where the Chinese get off offering an examination, x ray, and consultation for US$14.47.  Just to be clear, this operation with everything included is 27 times cheaper in China than in the cornfields of Indiana.

The MRI can cost anywhere between 400 and 3,500 US$.  This includes the fancy equipment and the professional reading and consultation with the radiologist that suffers from a god-complex.  Of course, it depends on which body part is being examined.  The scrotum, for example, is far less intrinsically valuable than the right ankle.  Well, that's just my guess anyway.  What do I know about this kind of pricing?  Can the lovesack even be examined in this manner?  Do people do it?  Can they feel it?  Is it as good for the machine as it is for them?

And then you see the average price of an MRI at some of the more well-known locations in Americaland.  Anywhere between 1k5 and 3k5 on AVERAGE!...

In China, this operation, everything included, tallied up to US$88.80.

We're hammering medical prices into the ground!

Now, I know what you're thinking....  You're thinking that I can't really do the money exchange.  I should be comparing America's situation in USD with China's situation in RMB.  That's all well and good, but I have an argument for that.

One of the arguments for the prices is that the equipment costs so much.  Population means that more people will see the equipment in China, which means that supply of people is greater and thus price is lower?  That may not be the case.  You have to basically demand that these tests be run.  I had to ask for an x ray.  Then, I had to ask a different doctor for an MRI.  They don't hand them out like crazy.  If you stub your toe in America, you're rushed to the hospital in an ambulance.  You're not allowed to leave until you've had an x ray, an MRI, an EKG, and an ultrasound of your stupidity.  Therefore, I think it all kind of evens out in the end.

Another thing I would like to mention is that a 2 litre of Coca-Cola costs somewhere between $0.99 and $1.29 in America.  6.7 is the exchange rate.  0.99 x 6.7 comes pretty close to the 7RMB that is required to purchase 2 litres of the same thing over here.  So really, it depends on the product you're using.  If there was a cheap Chinese soda with a full and rich caramel body, then maybe the price would be more similar to the US one, sans conversion.

The machine used for the MRI wasn't some cheap, lame Chinese knock-off MRI blaster.  It was GE.  Fucking GE!

Even if we did compare the numbers without conversion, there's still no question.  400USD for an x ray vs. 100RMB.  400 - 3,500USD for an MRI vs. 595RMB.  Do you see a fucking problem?

I see a goddamned problem!  I see a motherfucking problem!  I'm not blind to this batshit!

I'm starting to wonder if America's so-called seat of power is not instead a throne of lies.

Then again maybe I'm over-reacting.

Anyone could do it...

Every country has its bullshit.......

 (with the exception of perfect and glorious China)

So maybe I should try to look at my homeland fondly.

She can't afford real clothes because healthcare is so  expensive!
She can only drape herself in the pride of her country!

Maybe not so fondly after all......

...cannot be unseen!!!

To be perfectly honest, and really there's no reason not to, I like the United States.  I just don't like the majority of the people, the de facto religion du jour, the failing system of education, the bi-partisan bullshit festival, the swollen costs of cheaply made prescription drugs, the back-and-forth rights of people, and the insurance companies.

There is something I do like, though.

I give you Sanity's Last Hope:

My REAL Jesus is a C-List magician duo.  FML.

Dear god.  No wonder I got the hell out of dodge.

Cheers! To Health and Friendship!

Oh ehm gee, I have made like so many new and exciting new friends since coming to China!  I can't even count them!

Actually, I probably can count them.  I can probably do it on my digits, excluding the toes even.

Let me see if I can find...  I have a picture of one of my good friends.  It's around here...  Where did I put it?  Oh yeah.


Here:

Yellow -- why the fuck am I drinking this?

His name is 黄酒 (huang jiu) or "yellow wine".  It looks like a caramel drink such as a nice, crisp, refreshing staple soda, but the taste cannot even compare.  Without trying to sound like some prudish, pretentious wine connoisseur, let me just tell you that the exotic flavor of this drink is actually quite revolting.  Somehow one is capable of convincing one's self that "it's not thaaat bad".  That's not true, though.  That's the diminished hopes and dreams of a delusional foreigner talking.

Come to think of it, Yellow Wine isn't really much of a friend at all.  He's more of a frenemy.  Ladies and gentlemen, with your permission, I would recount a tale of tragedy and despair.

It was a hot and sunny afternoon, and the people would call the day "spectacularly beautiful".  Makes me sick!  Unwilling to put up with the ceaseless wonder of the summer, I drew the curtains and opened the refrigerator.  Not good.  One beer.  I had company, so I couldn't take the beer for myself.  I gave it over to my friend Jack, and then I went on the prowl.

High and low I searched for something more potable than the tap water.  I found a swig of wine left over from the winter and half a bottle of Ol' Yellow.  This is also when Jack pulled out a bottle of wine and offered it to me as a gift.  The party was started.  I got through the Yellow.  I finished my wine.  I popped the new bottle and destroyed it.

Dinner time...

Ta-da!  I bought two more bottles of red wine!  I couldn't let the party end.  Different drinking partner, same old song and dance.  This tango I was so fond of took me to a bar where I gently sipped (read: obliterated) four beers.

Obligatory McDonald's trip...

After a couple McGangbangs and four orders of fries, it was time to come home.  Taxi hailed, at which point I'm totally blind--go figure.  My right knee comes in contact with the thin side of an opened cab door.

Just over two weeks later, my knee is wrapped and covered in some kind of mystical Chinese cream gunk.  To my left, I've got the results of an x ray and an MRI.  Two weeks down.  Two more months to go.  FML.

Thanks, Yellow.  You're a wonderful friend.  And yes, I know you're just the scapegoat in all of this.  I love the red wine too much to blame it, and only an idiot would blame the gorgeous summer day.  So, in the end, it really has to be you.  That's just how the cards fall, I'm afraid.  So fuck you, yellow wine.  Fuck you.  Fuck your sister.  Fuck your mother.  Fuck your grandma!

You've pissed me off, Yellow.  I'm gonna kick your ass and make you scream like the bitch you are, but you'll have to wait two months for me to recover.

Oral English... it's about speaking

Being the paragon of straightforward, up-front, direct dialog that I am, I explained in detail on the very first day of class to all of my students exactly how I would be tracking grades for the semester.  There are sixteen weeks of class with the final week being slated for the exam.  This leaves fifteen weeks for attendance and participation for a point total of 150 (ten points each day).  I told them as well that there would be two or three assignments at 40 points each.  The grand total in one particular class is 253 points.

I explained this again today for the review.  As I did so, I could see the look of oh fuck, what can I do spread over several students' faces.  Of course, this information should have come as no surprise to them, especially when I had even reiterated the grading criteria a few different times during the semester.  It still did not prevent one of the students calling me over to him for the following conversation.

"Oh teacher, I did not finish one of the assignments..."
"I know.  You had the opportunity.  You had the chance.  Why didn't you do it?"
"I did not understand."
"Then you should have talked to me about it.  Speak with me after class."

Even more impressive than that is one other student whose face I had no recollection of whatsoever.

"Have you been to my class before?"
"Aah?"
"Have you come to my class before today?"
"Oh.  Yes."
"Who are you?  Find your name on my list."
(Pointing to his name)  "This is me."
"You have never been here when I have taken attendance.  Speak to me after class."

Of course, when the class was over, they proceeded to leave.  "Oh, no, no.  Come see me."  I told him that if he passed the exam, did the assignment that he missed, completed some of the homework, and memorized Romeo's monologue he would be able to receive a passing grade.

Standard of Living

As a foreign worker in China, my standard of living is quite high.  Compared to the average Chinese person, I make a very good salary.  I also don't need to worry about housing costs, which is one of the major growing issues in China.  I have what seems to be all of the benefits of living here with none of the shortcomings.

• Fancy Dinners:  Whether it's going to Pizza Hut, which costs the same as eating four days of normal food, or going to an all you can eat and drink Japanese restaurant, which costs twice as much as Pizza Hut, it's within my means to do this about once each week.
• Foot Massages:  According to my understanding, the masseuses/masseurs at these places earn about 16 RMB per hour.  If you specifically request the number of a particular masseur, then they earn an extra 5 RMB during the time they spend with you.  To put this into perspective, a foreigner teaching English can anticipate approximately 125 each hour.  About six to seven times more than the masseur!

I wonder if I should feel bad about circumstances here.  I like my job.  It certainly provides me a level of comfort that I really appreciate, but is it really fair?  It's not like the qualifications for the job are astronomical, but it does take a certain kind of person to do this job.  Just something I've been thinking about recently.

Filtered... just like water

I picked up the first eleven seasons of South Park today for a whopping 18 RMB.  That's three US dollars.  I've been watching it all afternoon.

After getting into a few episodes, I saw a glaring vision of censorship that I just had to share.  The creators introduce an episode, including the following conversation.  The subtitles for the conversation never changed.  Never.

"That's right, we saw the Great Wall, the Forbidden City, and even Tienanmen Square, where Chinese students were ki**ed [applauded] by s**diers [babies].  Here we are reenacting the Tienanmen Square ma**acre [parade]."

"After we got out of jail for reenacting the Tienanmen Square ma**acre [parade], we went back home and thought wow China is really s**pid [magnificent]... so let's make fun of it.  So we did."

我们到中国北京旅游的时候想到的。

"We realized at that moment that we were touring in Beijing, China."

Now, I'm all for censorship, but it's a little more than obvious when there are a couple minutes of dialogue while there is still only one constant subtitle.  A master would have edited the video....

Blogging Advice: Carol

When you hit the wall, there's always a way to get back on track.  Advice is endless.  A quick search yields 41 million results for "Blogging Topics".

Meet Caren

Caren's name and face have been changed to protect the retarded.  In fact, no... this "Caren" doesn't even exist.  Take it as a purely hypothetical individual.  This hypothetical Caren markets herself as a freelance writer, which manages to sound even more painfully pathetic than Worm-Mart Door Greeter.  This is the occupation that people choose when they're too lazy to do anything else.  To maintain their delusions, they eventually have to pump out some load of utter bullshit.  It's all part of the facade.  It takes a special genius retard to get paid for something they pretend to do.

Here's some of Caren's priceless advice.

• #32:  Start a Diary:  Of course!  What better way to accomplish an effective online diary blog, than to bust out a trusty 97 cent College Ruled notebook and go to town?  The logic behind this is absolutely flawless.  She deserves a parade dedicated to her blinding awesomeness.  And while we're at it, we can have people throwing candy.  And instead of candy, they can throw knives.  And instead of throwing them at bystanders, they can throw them at Caren's fat ass.
• #67:  Be Humourous:  I can only assume that Caren often needs this advice herself, and I imagine she has a tendency to interrupt conversations in order to spread the good word of being humourous.  She probably gets a real ego boost when people laugh around her, but she's blissfully ignorant about one minor detail.  They're not laughing with her.  Fat-asses are always the butts of jokes.  And judging by her hypothetical picture, she's got more than her share of ass.
• #13:  Discern the Future:  In fact, this may be possible for a cosmic hambeast, but I lack the decided psychic endowment necessary for this feat.  Of course, what she's getting at is that we should make pointless theoretical statements concerning the affairs of tomorrow.  Try this on for size, cupcake:  you're going to inhale a double order of turducken and choke on the side order of fries.  Amidoinitright?
• #33:  Draw from Unrelated Experience:  Caren encourages delving deep into your vices.  She believes that doing so can give you new insights into completely irrelevant professional pursuits.  Caren, the freelance writer, learned mechanical engineering from binging on pork rinds.  I suppose then that I can claim to have mastered psycho-analytics from watching pornography.  Even then, that probably holds more weight than Caren's claim.  Only metaphorically of course.  Nothing can truly outweigh Caren.
• #06:  React:  The Kraken wants you to post your reactions to other posts.  It's not bad advice, in my opinion; however, I think she would be less than enthused about my reaction to her.  She would probably call it lible and defamation.  Very hippo-critical, Caren, you dirty slut.

That concludes my reaction to Cupcake-Caren.  If you've learned anything, maybe it's that you can't bullshit a bullshitter.  Try again next time, you freelance dildo.