Cheers! To Health and Friendship!

Oh ehm gee, I have made like so many new and exciting new friends since coming to China!  I can't even count them!

Actually, I probably can count them.  I can probably do it on my digits, excluding the toes even.

Let me see if I can find...  I have a picture of one of my good friends.  It's around here...  Where did I put it?  Oh yeah.


Here:

Yellow -- why the fuck am I drinking this?

His name is 黄酒 (huang jiu) or "yellow wine".  It looks like a caramel drink such as a nice, crisp, refreshing staple soda, but the taste cannot even compare.  Without trying to sound like some prudish, pretentious wine connoisseur, let me just tell you that the exotic flavor of this drink is actually quite revolting.  Somehow one is capable of convincing one's self that "it's not thaaat bad".  That's not true, though.  That's the diminished hopes and dreams of a delusional foreigner talking.

Come to think of it, Yellow Wine isn't really much of a friend at all.  He's more of a frenemy.  Ladies and gentlemen, with your permission, I would recount a tale of tragedy and despair.

It was a hot and sunny afternoon, and the people would call the day "spectacularly beautiful".  Makes me sick!  Unwilling to put up with the ceaseless wonder of the summer, I drew the curtains and opened the refrigerator.  Not good.  One beer.  I had company, so I couldn't take the beer for myself.  I gave it over to my friend Jack, and then I went on the prowl.

High and low I searched for something more potable than the tap water.  I found a swig of wine left over from the winter and half a bottle of Ol' Yellow.  This is also when Jack pulled out a bottle of wine and offered it to me as a gift.  The party was started.  I got through the Yellow.  I finished my wine.  I popped the new bottle and destroyed it.

Dinner time...

Ta-da!  I bought two more bottles of red wine!  I couldn't let the party end.  Different drinking partner, same old song and dance.  This tango I was so fond of took me to a bar where I gently sipped (read: obliterated) four beers.

Obligatory McDonald's trip...

After a couple McGangbangs and four orders of fries, it was time to come home.  Taxi hailed, at which point I'm totally blind--go figure.  My right knee comes in contact with the thin side of an opened cab door.

Just over two weeks later, my knee is wrapped and covered in some kind of mystical Chinese cream gunk.  To my left, I've got the results of an x ray and an MRI.  Two weeks down.  Two more months to go.  FML.

Thanks, Yellow.  You're a wonderful friend.  And yes, I know you're just the scapegoat in all of this.  I love the red wine too much to blame it, and only an idiot would blame the gorgeous summer day.  So, in the end, it really has to be you.  That's just how the cards fall, I'm afraid.  So fuck you, yellow wine.  Fuck you.  Fuck your sister.  Fuck your mother.  Fuck your grandma!

You've pissed me off, Yellow.  I'm gonna kick your ass and make you scream like the bitch you are, but you'll have to wait two months for me to recover.